Have you ever kissed someone and become so lost in the moment that you forgot everything else that was going on around you? I’m talking about those amazing kisses where you could be in the middle of the road and you wouldn’t notice the noise of the car horns or the people screaming at you through their rolled-down windows.
Good sex is all about being in the moment. But all too often, we lose the knack of paying attention. Often, it’s because we’re stuck in our idea of how sex should proceed – we’re repeating the same moves over and over, until they’re so familiar that we stop paying attention. To tune in again and start enjoying ourselves, we need to change the pattern. We need to go ‘off-script.’
During heterosexual, two-person encounters there’s an ‘expected’ way of doing things. Sex usually happens on a fixed timeline – the script of every movie sex scene or porno you’ve ever watched. It goes something like:
- Foreplay (touching and stuff)
- Oral sex
- Guy cums, game over.
(If you’re lucky, you might add the extra step of ‘girl cums’, but this is usually considered optional.)
When hetero folks think about sex, we usually see penis-in-vagina (PIV) intercourse as the aim of the interaction. The end goal is for the guy to orgasm – it’s a race to the finish line! But seeing sex as PIV and everything else as incidental is a limiting way to appreciate sex. When it’s all about orgasm (particularly only one person’s orgasm) then everything else that happens becomes less important and isn’t given the attention it deserves.
I believe that sex is about more than just ‘getting off.’ Sex is about everything – eye contact, touch, closeness, exploration. for me, sex is all the things you do before PIV, and all the things you do afterwards. Sex isn’t just those few moments of intercourse – it’s the whole package.
Going off-script’ means letting go of the typical timeline and leaving room for experimentation. Going off-script means spending three hours making out, if that’s what you want to do. It means stopping halfway through intercourse and giving someone a massage for a while. It means trying new things that aren’t one of the five steps listed above.\n\nI’ve found that the best sex happens when we are completely awake and focused on our lovers’ bodies. When we stick to the script that awareness is switched off. It’s like watching a movie you’ve seen ten times before…because you know what to expect, you’re not really paying attention. But when we ditch the script we have to focus.
How to Go Off-Script
Ditching the old way of doing things requires initiative. Your partner is going to assume the sex is going to be the same as every other time. When you ask if you can cover them in baby oil or suggest it might be fun to spend five minutes kissing the back of their neck, they may be surprised. But if you suggest it confidently, I’ve found that most people don’t mind trying something new.
Slow Down – It’s easy to rush things when you’re nervous, but enjoyable sex is all about living in the moment. If you go to quickly you miss out on the chance to really concentrate on what you’re doing. This is particularly important for women, as we often take quite a while to warm up for penetrative sex. The slower the action the more we enjoy intercourse.
Take Turns Giving and Receiving – Taking turns allows you to concentrate. Sometimes it’s difficult to really enjoy the sensations of sex during a free-for-all. If you let your partner do things to you and then swap, you’ll be able to experience both giving and receiving without distraction.
Use Your Hands (in Places That Aren’t Obvious) – Sometimes we get so focused on the genitals that we forget about other forms of touch. Hands are designed for delicate manoeuvres – and I don’t just mean touching peoples’ junk. Try stroking, tickling, squeezing. Put your hands around your partner’s waist. Run your fingers through their hair. There are many places on bodies that feel food, it’s not necessary to go straight for the erogenous zones.
Get Off the Bed – ... said every sex therapist, ever. It’s true though – being in a different environment will stimulate your creativity (among other things). Try the couch, the floor, the shower in front of the hall mirror. Anything that disrupts the normal routine will encourage you to try a new approach.
Mutual Masturbation – Asking someone to get themselves off is damn sexy and it will give you clues as to the sort of touch they enjoy. If you’re with someone shy or nervous, be sure to tell them how hot they look so that they feel less anxious.\n\n \n
‘But what If I look silly?’
Most folks don’t like going off-script because they’re worried that they’ll look dumb while they’re figuring out what to do next. When we stay on-script we can hide behind social convention and feel safe, because we’re doing exactly what’s expected of us. The problem with this approach is that it makes sex boring. Instead of finding amazing new things to do to each other, we become predictable and repetitive.
It’s okay to try new things even if that means you occasionally look silly. I was once kicked in the head by a lady during a threesome – it was accidental, and she was really embarrassed but I thought it was hilarious (and so did her husband). Should I avoid threesomes, just in case something awkward happens? Hell, no!
Good sex involves trial and error. To become amazing, you need to let go of the need to look ‘perfect’. Let go of your fear, change up the script and put yourself on the path to greatness.