Ever wondered what being a sex god (or goddess) is all about?
If you watch a lot of porn, you might think it’s about having a ten-inch dick and being able to go for hours. If you read Cosmo, you may think it’s being able to give the perfect blow job. If like me) you know a lot of sex workers, it’s easy to assume that sexual superstardom is reserved for people who are young, hot, and able to bend their bodies into all sorts of unlikely shapes, like an 18-year-old Penthouse model who does yoga. Or knowing mystical sexual secrets, like a Tantra goddess.
But I’ve started to think differently, thanks to my work as an escort.
Being a sex worker is a bit like working in a restaurant or bank – I meet people from all walks of life. Young and old, rich and poor, hot and not. I’ve gotten naked with just about every personality and body type. I’ve spent time with men, women and couples. And I’ve learned that the people who rock between the sheets aren’t always the ones we expect.
Turns out, the people who are good at sex aren’t the young, attractive, or exceptionally bendy. The real winners are the people with skills…Not mystical knowledge or science degrees, just basic stuff that they’ve learned and practised.
Here are my five top sex skills for being a great lay.
1. Remember that we’re all winging it
Feeling anxious at the thought of getting naked with someone? Here’s some good news – your date probably feels the same.
I went on a Tinder date recently, my first in a while (I’ve been busy, don’t judge me!) We were sitting in a Melbourne cocktail bar sampling cocktails, and I realised how scared I still felt meeting new people, even after years of practice.
‘I felt super nervous coming here tonight,’ I told him.
‘Me too – I was terrified,’ he replied. Then we had an honest conversation about how anxiety-inducing first dates can be, and my worries vanished.
This principle applies to sex just as much as cocktail bars. Whenever I start feeling out of my depth, I remind myself that its the same for everyone. We’re all scared. We’re all insecure. We all worry about doing or saying the wrong thing. Chances are, your partner is just as nervous as you in the bedroom.
2. Slow down
When it comes to sex, it’s easy to assume the goal is simply getting off. But when we rush to the orgasm bit, we miss out on lots of other fun stuff along the way. Worse, trying to rush means we often become distracted from what we’re doing. If you’re mentally re-hashing the conversation you had over dinner or worrying about whether you’ll get your partner off, you might not be fully focused on the task at hand.
I recently interviewed a Tantra expert called Frankie on my podcast. She shared some simple skills to achieve mindfulness no matter what you’re doing: slow down, take a deep breath, and look your partner in the eyes. It only takes a few seconds… but it allows you to get out of your head and start concentrating on your body. It also creates a sense of connection with your date, so you stay in tune with each other.
Try it. You’ll see what I mean.
3. Touch with purpose
The way we touch other people’s bodies makes a huge difference. If you’re not concentrating, you might be touching your partner in a way that’s not sexy…grabby, nervous touch rarely feels good.
I see this most often at work, when I meet someone who hasn’t had sex in a while or hasn’t had much experience. Sometimes they’re so excited that they end up trying to do everything at once. It’s like being tickled when you really want to be hugged – it just doesn’t feel right!
On the other hand, a relaxed lover can send shivers down my spine just with one slow, deliberate touch. Focusing on your hands as you touch someone – and thinking about how you want them to feel – makes for confident, sexy contact.
4. Learn to ask
Everyone’s different. Everyone likes different things in the bedroom. And we’re not mind readers – how will we know how to satisfy our partners, unless we ask? Saying, “How does that feel?” every now and again gives your lover a chance to guide you in what they like…or to pay you a compliment, if what you’re doing is perfect. It’s the only way we really know we’re getting it right.
When I suggest this to my workshop students, they’re sometimes worried that talking during sex will spoil the mood. But it doesn’t have to go that way. Whispering “How does that feel?” in someone’s ear, can be sexy, intimate and totally appropriate, if you do it right.
Of course, sometimes we’re afraid that if we ask, we’ll be told we’re doing something wrong. But if she doesn’t like that helicopter move you’re doing with your dick, wouldn’t it be better to find out now rather than afterwards?
5. Ditch the script
The standard way we do sex is pretty darn repetitive. For hetero folks, it goes something like: kissing, touching, getting naked, oral sex, intercourse, orgasm. This is the ‘standard script’ that we see in movies (and porn). Most of us follow the script every time we get laid, because it’s safe and predictable. Unfortunately, predictable can get boring – and when you’re using the same moves every time, your brain has a tendency to switch off. As we discussed earlier, that’s not a winning situation.
To have great sex, you need to be able to do what feels right in the moment. Whether it’s a massage, a three-hour make-out session, or just a conversation about how you both like to be touched, ditching the script means you’ll never have boring sex.
I do this by thinking, ‘What do I REALLY feel like doing right now?’ It could be a kiss, a type of touch, a position I really enjoy, or something as simple as stopping a moment to catch my breath. I’ll always check in with my partner to find out whether they agree. Then, whether we go at it in front of the mirror or slather ourselves in massage oil, I feel confident it’s something we both want.
There you have it – my five fave skills for sexual prowess! It’s not complicated, but it does take practice. Often, we’re used to doing the same stuff all the time, and it might feel awkward at first to try something new. But for me, the practice has been worth it.