Do your sexual escapades give you déjà vu ? You might need to change up the script...
During heterosexual, two-person encounters there's an 'expected' way of doing things. Sex usually happens on a fixed timeline - the script of every movie sex scene or porno you've ever watched. It goes something like:
- Foreplay (touching and stuff)
- Oral sex
- Guy cums, game over.
(If you're lucky, you might add the extra step of 'girl cums', but this is usually considered optional.)
When hetero folks think about sex, we usually see penis-in-vagina (PIV) intercourse as the aim of the interaction. The end goal is for the guy to orgasm - it's a race to the finish line! But seeing sex as PIV and everything else as incidental is a limiting way to appreciate sex. When it's all about orgasm (particularly only one person's orgasm) then everything else that happens becomes less important and isn't given the attention it deserves.
I believe that sex is about more than just 'getting off.' Sex is about everything - eye contact, touch, closeness, exploration. for me, sex is all the things you do before PIV, and all the things you do afterwards. Sex isn't just those few moments of intercourse - it's the whole package.
'Going off-script' means letting go of the typical timeline and leaving room for experimentation. Going off-script means spending three hours making out, if that's what you want to do. It means stopping halfway through intercourse and giving someone a massage for a while. It means trying new things that aren't one of the five steps listed above.
I've found that the best sex happens when we are completely awake and focused on our lovers' bodies. When we stick to the script that awareness is switched off. It's like watching a movie you've seen ten times before...because you know what to expect, you're not really paying attention. But when we ditch the script we have to focus. Have you ever kissed someone and become so lost in the moment that you forgot everything else that was going on around you? I'm talking about those amazing kisses where you could be in the middle of the road and you wouldn't notice the noise of the car horns or the people screaming at you through their rolled-down windows.