Normal’ is made-up term that stops us from achieving our full sexual potential.
I had a hot date last week. The guy was gorgeous, smart and interesting. But we did have one awkward moment…
“I’m a bit kinky.” I told him.
“I’m not interested in that.” he replied. “I’m only into normal stuff.” Imagine my surprise when, a few hours later, he started talking dirty and slapping me on the butt. Our session of sexual gymnastics was so loud that it probably upset the neighbours … it definitely wasn’t conventional! So why was he so anxious to be seen as ‘normal’?
Why does everyone want to be normal, anyway?
Sex is a vulnerable activity – no matter how confident we appear in public, things feel different when the clothes are off.
We’re afraid of the unknown.
Sex-negativity is a real downer. When we think about doing stuff that’s ‘unusual’ we feel shame and fear. What if we’re going too far? What if something bad happens? Instinctively, we understand that if we do something ‘weird’ and it goes wrong, nobody is going to sympathise. They’ll probably say we ‘brought it on ourselves.’ Yay.
We’re afraid of being judged.
Feeling inadequate during sex is a universal experience. Most of the time we’re not 100% if we’re doing it right. At the same time there’s an expectation that a good lover should instinctively know how to please their partner. So much pressure! It’s understandable that most of us are terrified of doing anything that might make us look weird.
Related:
5 hard dating truths that pick up artists won’t tell you
In the interests of saving your love life (and your sanity) here are five things you really need to know, that you’ll never hear from the so-called ‘experts’.
Trying to be normal can wreck your sex life.
Here are a few reasons why your need to be ‘normal’ might be holding your sex life back.
1. You’re basically trying to hit a moving target.
Society’s idea of what ‘normal’ means is always changing – in the 50s oral sex was considered a bit weird, but today it’s par for the course. What’s considered acceptable will depend on your social circle and who you’re fucking. There’s always a danger that you’ll accidentally put a foot wrong. The result: constant anxiety.
2. You miss out on all the cool stuff.
Sex without experimentation is … boring, basically. Do you really want to do missionary position for the rest of your life?
3. You could be denying your own needs.
As the Kinsey Reports proved, everyone has different needs and desires. We’re actually a very diverse bunch (no matter what we look like on the surface.) So it is that your next-door neighbours might secretly be swingers, or your best friend might have a private foot fetish. Having to deny yourself what you really want is a depressing way to live.
4. You won’t meet the right people.
If you can’t be honest about what you’re into (“I’m only into normal stuff'” he says…) you might miss out on meeting folks who share your interests.
But what if I go too far?
The ‘slippery slope’ model of social interaction tells us that going against the herd results in tragic sexual depravity. Deciding to go your own way feels dangerous – if we change up the rules, what’s to stop us from becoming sex-crazed deviants?
The answer is something we all possess: common sense. Are you hurting other people? Are you doing something that is actually dangerous? If the answer is no, you’re pretty much ‘good to go’. BDSM folk use a rule called ‘Risk-Aware, Consensual Kink’ (RACK). If everyone involved is consenting and the risks have been considered, then there’s nothing wrong with getting up to your favourite type of sexual adventure.
Let Your Freak Flag Fly
Let go of ‘normal’ – it’s bullshit. From the chick who loves going to sex parties to the roommate who watches kinky porn, everyone has something about their sex life that makes them a bit different.
Overcoming our fear of looking different is essential in order to have the sex we really want. ‘Normal’ is a made-up word. It doesn’t serve us well, when it comes to sex and dating. If you want to find the right people for you, let your freak flag fly (or at least flap slightly in the wind…)
