The following is an excerpt from ‘The Art of the Hook-Up: a straightforward guide to ethical intimacy.’ Want to know more about the book project? Click here to sign up for the latest news.
I got laid last night, and it was the best sex I’ve ever had.
My date and I met at a beachside bar. We shared drinks, playful touches, the intimate details of our lives. When we got naked together back at my hotel, we discovered an undeniable connection: bodies in sync, feeling wholly alive.
To the casual observer, I’m just a thirty-something woman with a secretive smile and a swing in my step. But the truth is, I’m a total hook-up champion.
I’m like the sexual secret service: undercover, prepared for anything. I’ll flirt with whomever I find interesting: strangers in public, guys on Tinder, or a couple at a party. Within minutes of meeting a new date, I can work out if they’re right for me … and when I like someone, I never hesitate. I’ve banged ex-metal band front-men, negotiated toe-curling kink play sessions, and picked up at sex clubs. A good encounter is everything I need: adventurous, emotionally connected, sexy as fuck.
This is the golden age of the hook-up – those sexual encounters that are too short or too casual to be considered romantic relationships. Sometimes they begin online, sometimes in person. Either way, they’re undeniably a part of modern life.
We live in a culture that’s more sexually adventurous than ever. We have dating apps that allow us to view the profiles of thousands of potential partners. We’re waiting until later in life to settle down, and casual flings are an accepted part of being single. Sounds perfect, right? Not so fast. Even though everyone seems to be talking about it, all too often we still treat our own hook-ups like a dirty little secret. The result: bad dates and – even worse – bad sex.
My friends complain:
“Chicks won’t talk to me online, even after they match with me. What am I doing wrong?”
“When I say I’m not looking for a relationship, guys act sleazy and gross.”
“I don’t know how to ask for what I want without freaking people out.”
As adults, we’re expected to know how to have great sex. Nobody wants to admit they’re struggling. But the truth is, we usually have more questions than answers.
I know how it feels … ten years ago, my sex life was a complete disaster. I lacked social skills and didn’t think too hard about my hook-ups. I had no idea things could be better so I faked bravado, hoping nobody would notice I was winging it.
The result: lots of lonely, unsatisfying, unpleasant experiences. I slept with people who treated me like shit. I felt ashamed when I couldn’t get laid, and ashamed when I did. I was pressured into doing stuff I didn’t want to do and, worst of all, I sometimes pressured my partners too. From excruciatingly awkward dates to threesomes gone horribly wrong … if there’s a way to fuck up sex, I’ve probably done it.
So, what changed? How did I go from train-wreck to secret agent? In short, I became a sex worker.
In my late twenties, I embarked on a career as an escort. It’s a job that demands a specific set of skills; a good sex worker isn’t just someone who swaps sexy services for money. Rather, they’re the elite, front-line soldiers of sex – adept at handling any situation. On a typical workday I might spend time with a nervous divorcee, teach a young couple how to get kinky, help a woman experiment with bisexuality, or assist a young guy in losing his virginity. All these situations have one thing in common – my clients are, without exception, incredibly vulnerable. Sex is a scary business!
In order to do my job well, I needed to learn new skills. I read books about unconventional lifestyles such as polyamory and swinging. I studied my clients, working out how to give them what they needed. I signed up for kink and tantra workshops. And I had a LOT of well-paid sex.
These efforts had unexpected benefits. Not only did I become a successful escort, I also found that my personal sex life improved: I found people I genuinely liked, picked up more, and had better sex. Best of all, I began to walk away from my encounters feeling positive, rather than anxious and guilty. I was learning what good hook-ups are all about.
To me, a successful hook-up means:
- Finding the right people – people you click with and are attracted to;
- Negotiating amazing sex, and;
- Going your separate ways in a manner that leaves everyone satisfied.
Do you struggle to find people who appreciate you for who you are? Have you ever wished your dates ran a little more smoothly? Have you gotten stuck in an awkward, half-naked situation? If so, my book will be able help. It’s a decades’ worth of my hard-won experience, repackaged as useful skills that anyone can use.
Our journey towards better hook-ups requires some preparation – so Part I details the knowledge that can keep you safe. In Part II, I’ll put you in the driver’s seat, by giving you strategies for managing your hook-ups. And Part III is the advanced knowledge that will transform you into a sexual stormtrooper, ready to fuck the world into better shape.
This book is for everyone. Girls, guys, whoever, the stuff in here is helpful no matter what you have in your pants. Lots of pick-up manuals written for hetero guys suggest that women need to be tricked or pushed into having sex. In fact, we’re all tempted to go down this path from time to time – when we’re insecure about sex, we feel as though the only way we’ll get laid is if we manipulate others. But I don’t want you to trick people into sleeping with you; I want you to be successful by being a better lover.
Similarly, a lot of sex advice for ladies is trivial: “Ten blow-job techniques your man will love.” Okay, but where’s the specific information on getting to that point in the first place? When we do receive sex-ed, it’s often made out to be some sort of ‘secret women’s business,’ to protect our safety and shield us from ridicule. But I want to get everyone talking, because dealing with fear and shame is essential whatever your gender.
No tricks. No secrets. We all need to understand each other.
Nowadays, thanks to the lessons I’ve learned, I’m having the time of my life. I don’t get into the pants of everyone I fancy, but my success rate is better than it used to be. I’m not invulnerable, but I feel much safer. I still screw up, but now I know what to do when things go wrong. Most importantly, I walk away from sexual encounters feeling good about myself.
Hook-ups should be fun. They should be rewarding. They should leave yourself and your partner feeling better for the experience. I can’t wait to get started with you on making that happen.
The book ‘The Art of the Hook-Up’ is currently seeking a publisher. Can you help? Contact Georgie.